hashtag goals

Each week, I try to give myself goals, things to work on/improve upon/get done, etc. Recently, one of my main goals has been to get over my anger towards Becky (if you are unsure of who Becky is, please see my other blog). While everything I've read has said this anger is normal, living each day with the fantasy of pushing someone into traffic isn't healthy for my emotional wellbeing. I'd like to get over it sooner rather than later. My counselor has given me some books to read, which have been helping. I've also been turning to the great and powerful Google, as always.

One thing every article on the subject states is that the anger towards the other woman isn't necessarily fair because the other woman didn't owe you anything. This doesn't sit well with me. Since when did making a decision that hurts someone else become okay if that person doesn't owe you anything? For example, I've always wondered what it would be like to slash someone's tires. In my head, each tire would give a satisfying pop and quickly deflate. So if I pick a random car tonight and slash its tires, is it okay because the owner of the car doesn't owe me anything (legality aside, of course)? No. Is it okay because I've secretly always been curious and I know I'd get a strange satisfaction from it? Nope, still not okay. If I slashed someone's tires, that person would have every right to be angry at me, even though I didn't owe them anything. I should say no to slashing their tires because it's the decent thing to do. People should never make decisions based on someone owing them something. So argument one was a no go for me.

Another thing I've read is to ask yourself what the anger accomplishes. This one has actually helped me. Because the answer is obviously nothing. Becky is not a part of my life. I will never get the chance to discuss my anger with her. So the only thing my anger does is give me anxiety, which of course only hurts me.

I also read to start doing an exercise of some sort when you think of something you shouldn't. So I've started doing a variety of planks when my mind starts tormenting me with thoughts of anger or the two of them together. This has helped...my abs become the strongest they've ever been.

Ideally of course the ultimate goal would be forgiveness. Forgiveness has been a challenge for me, as Becky was completely unapologetic when I contacted her. She seemed to think she had done nothing wrong, asked me not to judge her, and said that we had "both been played." Uh huh. Cute. She knew full well about me when she made the choices that she did, and at no point in those 2.5 months did she ever insist they had to wait/stop until he was single. That's not being played. I have a word to describe what that is, but in the interest of taking the high road, I'll keep it to myself. It's hard to forgive when the person isn't the least bit sorry. I know I must though. Forgiveness isn't about her feelings or to help her. It's about my needs and what is best for me. So I'm working on it.

My therapist keeps telling me it's okay to be angry and it just takes time. Since she is the smartest person I've ever met, I have to believe she is correct on that one. It's frustrating because I've always been someone who likes a quick fix, but I know as time passes, I'm starting to spend more time up than down.