Regrets? 0

A few weeks ago, I turned 34. That is almost halfway to 70. 15 years ago, if someone asked me where I'd be when I was 34, I would have replied that I'd have several years under my belt in a career that I love and maybe a kid or two. Obviously, that is not the case.

I do not regret for a second the choices that I have made. I do not regret for a second the experiences I've had. I'm 34 and I have been to Paris more times than I can count (yet it never ceases to take my breath away). I've slept in a tent in the Sahara Desert. I've fought back tears at the American Cemetery in Normandy. I've walked on the Great Wall of China. I've shoveled elephant poop in Thailand. I've ridden in a hot air balloon over Cappadocia. I've seen funeral pyres burning on the banks of the Ganges. I've gawked at Mohamed Al-Fayed in Harrods. I've been to the 38th parallel and looked into North Korea's fake city. When I'm in a place far from home, looking at something so amazing that it doesn't feel real, I have to stop and catch my breath and ask myself what I did in my life that brought me there. I felt it driving though the Atlas Mountains. I felt it watching the sunset at Monsoon Palace. I felt it sitting on the beach in Malaga. I've never done any type of drugs, but it's not possible that the high is better than that feeling.

However, now I am 34 and looking for entry level jobs. My fellow 34 year old friends all have well established careers, homes, and their own families, while I am competing with 22 year olds for jobs and hoping I have enough money to pay rent while working as a nanny. No regrets, but my current situation in life is somewhat demoralizing. This week I accepted a job as an assistant teacher in a Montessori school on the north side of the city. I'm excited for this change. It is a step in a careerish direction. The money is not great for a 34 year old. The commute will be longer than I'd like. I'll have to get a summer job. But again, I'm 34 with no real work experience. Beggars can't be choosers. This is important experience and I am excited. Whether or not it turns into a career remains TBD. Truthfully, my only real aspiration in life is to travel as much as possible.

Also, if Americans could stop shooting each other, that'd be great. Seriously guys, stop.

Also, I spilled ice cream on my keyboard while writing this. It's possible I licked it off. #adult

hashtag goals

Each week, I try to give myself goals, things to work on/improve upon/get done, etc. Recently, one of my main goals has been to get over my anger towards Becky (if you are unsure of who Becky is, please see my other blog). While everything I've read has said this anger is normal, living each day with the fantasy of pushing someone into traffic isn't healthy for my emotional wellbeing. I'd like to get over it sooner rather than later. My counselor has given me some books to read, which have been helping. I've also been turning to the great and powerful Google, as always.

One thing every article on the subject states is that the anger towards the other woman isn't necessarily fair because the other woman didn't owe you anything. This doesn't sit well with me. Since when did making a decision that hurts someone else become okay if that person doesn't owe you anything? For example, I've always wondered what it would be like to slash someone's tires. In my head, each tire would give a satisfying pop and quickly deflate. So if I pick a random car tonight and slash its tires, is it okay because the owner of the car doesn't owe me anything (legality aside, of course)? No. Is it okay because I've secretly always been curious and I know I'd get a strange satisfaction from it? Nope, still not okay. If I slashed someone's tires, that person would have every right to be angry at me, even though I didn't owe them anything. I should say no to slashing their tires because it's the decent thing to do. People should never make decisions based on someone owing them something. So argument one was a no go for me.

Another thing I've read is to ask yourself what the anger accomplishes. This one has actually helped me. Because the answer is obviously nothing. Becky is not a part of my life. I will never get the chance to discuss my anger with her. So the only thing my anger does is give me anxiety, which of course only hurts me.

I also read to start doing an exercise of some sort when you think of something you shouldn't. So I've started doing a variety of planks when my mind starts tormenting me with thoughts of anger or the two of them together. This has helped...my abs become the strongest they've ever been.

Ideally of course the ultimate goal would be forgiveness. Forgiveness has been a challenge for me, as Becky was completely unapologetic when I contacted her. She seemed to think she had done nothing wrong, asked me not to judge her, and said that we had "both been played." Uh huh. Cute. She knew full well about me when she made the choices that she did, and at no point in those 2.5 months did she ever insist they had to wait/stop until he was single. That's not being played. I have a word to describe what that is, but in the interest of taking the high road, I'll keep it to myself. It's hard to forgive when the person isn't the least bit sorry. I know I must though. Forgiveness isn't about her feelings or to help her. It's about my needs and what is best for me. So I'm working on it.

My therapist keeps telling me it's okay to be angry and it just takes time. Since she is the smartest person I've ever met, I have to believe she is correct on that one. It's frustrating because I've always been someone who likes a quick fix, but I know as time passes, I'm starting to spend more time up than down.

I ain't sorry

Current Mood: Lemonade

Airing dirty laundry vs the brutal truth: the lines get blurred. If you are not into reading about my dirty laundry, don't read my blog. I'm just kidding of course, who doesn't like reading about other people's problems? This blog has seen me through some tough times. It's like therapy, only free! No one really reads this anymore anyway. Remember when this started as a travel blog?
But at any rate, what I want to write about today is of the more personal nature, so I will be putting it in the blog I started/abandoned two years ago following the Cold War. If you still have that address, feel free to read it. If you don't have the address, feel free to ask me. I have no problem sharing my secrets with people I know. But I'd prefer that the random people who know this address don't know my personal stories. So, ask if you want it. But please don't share the address.

healing

When I posted that last entry, I didn't know just how fitting it actually was. Amy clearly knew what she was talking about. 

I'm not above charity. Will someone send me to Asia for a few months please? Sometimes I really wish I could escape from my own head for a while. 

I don't really do emo

Current mood: Amy Winehouse

sad

Breakups never don't suck. The degree with which they suck varies, but they always suck.

Dear Time,
Make it stop.