Yet another post about online dating. I need to change the title of this blog to "I'm not dating"
It's been 10 months since I broke up with Kingsley. I've written before about the sense of relief I felt when it was finally over. I say finally because it had been a long time coming. I was excited to not feel obligated to talk to him every morning. I was excited to feel like I could finally make some plans in my life without wondering and worrying if/how he'd fit into those plans. I was excited to date.
Well, in those 10+ months, it's been great to not start each day with a mundane conversation about what each of us had done in the 24 hours since we talked the day before "And then what did you eat for lunch? Are you going to watch a movie tonight?" I've been making plans. These plans are not happening as quickly as I hoped they would, and they've been more of a struggle than I thought possible. BUT, they are happening, and that's the important thing.
And dating...well...yeah, no. The closest thing to a date I've been on in the past 10 months was March's trip out west, aka "The Cold War" that most of you have read about in my other blog. And that doesn't really count, because it just doesn't. So I haven't dated at all since Kingsley and I broke up. I'm determined to change that. I've written frequently about online dating. I know so many people who have had great success with it. It works! I know it can! BUUUUUT, so far it's not working for me. Here are a few exchanges I've had on various online dating websites. Currently I'm using OkCupid, so most of these are from there.
In the interest of keeping things family friendly, I am not including the more vulgar messages I have received.
Guy: Let me know sometime when you're free, we should meet up.
Me: Ok, what did you have in mind?
Guy: How about a massage, sex, then a beer run?
And he was being serious. At least he was honest, I guess.
For a while I had a picture of me at the Taj Mahal on my profile. That led to this exchange.
Indian Guy: Do you have some kind of Indian fetish?
Me, knowing I probably shouldn't respond to that message, but I thought I'd give him a chance to redeem himself after his awful opening line: I like to cook Indian food.
Guy: I knew it. It probably causes a burning in your loins.
And delete.
This exchange was with a guy whose username is "iluvbigtits67" who had no pictures, and a completely blank profile.
Guy: how r u
Me: Wow, that's a really charming handle. Between that and your informative and complete profile, I'm guessing the ladies are lining up for you.
Guy: either u like it or ya don't.
I didn't respond. Both because he was clearly a dirtball and his use of "u" and "ya" instead of you. But iluvbigtits67 wasn't done. A few days later he messaged again.
Guy: hi
Me: Hi
Guy: what ya doing
a few minutes later, guy: what ya looking for
a few minutes later, guy: U there
a few minutes later, guy: do u have kik
a few minutes later, guy: hmmmm
Me: No, I don't have kik.
Guy: are you a good hirl?
Guy: girl
Me: I was willing to overlook your username and completely empty profile to see if you were worth getting to know. But, I'm not interested in taking this conversation in the direction you seem to want it to go. Strike 3. A bit of advice for you-try a little harder next time. Add a photo or two, act a little interested in getting to know a girl. If I was looking for someone to have casual sex with, it sure as shit wouldn't be with someone who is too lazy to fill out a profile or upload any pictures, and asks if I'm a "good girl" immediately after I say hi.
And still, I'd not heard the last from iluvbigtits67. A few days later, I got this. I don't know why I bother responding. But I do.
Guy: hi how r u
Me: Fine.
Guy: Want to meet
Me: No. You've told me nothing about yourself, nor have you shown me any pictures. You really need to work on your game.
Guy: Ok.
And that was the last I heard from iluvbigtits67. Farewell, my sweet prince.
Then, there are the married guys. Of course they never have any pictures of themselves. But, they are always "sexy, attractive and in great shape" and they are "smart, successful and love their lives" but they're "looking for something more with no drama." At first, I was curious why they'd do this.
Guy: Would you be interested in chatting with a 42 year old married white male?
Me: What are you looking for? Why are you on here if you're married?
Guy: I'm looking for a friend, that may turn into a friend with benefits. You into that?
Me: Why do you want that?
Guy: I'm not getting any at home. Do you like oral?
I didn't continue the conversation, but I've continued getting many messages from "fit, attractive" married men looking for a "drama free" extramarital affair. I immediately hit block.
Then, there are the guys who are just kind of sad. I always try to respond to everyone at least a time or two, just to be polite. OkCupid has a lot of interesting profile questions. Of course people can always surprise you, but generally these questions are an easy way to tell from the get go if someone is a possible good match. A few weeks ago I received a message from a guy in the Quad Cities. I looked at his profile. I knew almost immediately that he and I would probably not mesh well. To the question "Should evolution and creationism be taught side by side in school?" he answered "Evolution has no place in schools." He lists Chili's and Olive Garden as his favorite restaurants. To the question of whether or not Noah's Ark is a true story, he answered yes, it is. He lists his favorite book as "I don't read much. Does ESPN Magazine count?" He went on to say he had read one "amazing" book, The Narrow Road by Brother Andrew. I had never heard of that book, so I googled it. I assumed by the author's name it was a Christian book. The first thing I learned when I googled was that when you purchase this book, one of the versions comes with a Jars of Clay CD... He also said in his profile that he is offended by dirty jokes.
So, I am not making fun of this guy. We all have our beliefs. But, too many of his answers reminded me of Kingsley. I learned quickly after meeting Kingsley that he's very religious (but still had no problem cheating on me several times...yep). I'm not an atheist, but I'm not super religious. I don't listen to Christian music. I don't ever say anything is a blessing. I don't read Christian books. I won't go back to church here until St. Louis has a different priest. I rarely talk about religion with other people because I think it's personal and I'm offended by evangelism. But with Kingsley, I thought "that's okay." Over the course of our almost 3 year relationship, I learned that no, it's not okay. I need to date someone whose religious beliefs are closer to my own.
Plus, Chili's and Olive Garden? They are okay. I eat at Olive Garden once a year or so. I eat at Chili's once every couple of years. I don't hate those restaurants. There's something for everyone on the menus, and the food is good enough. BUT, for his favorite restaurant? If he could pick any restaurant in the world to eat at, Olive Garden would be it? And, his answer to the favorite book question is a big problem for me. I love to read. When the library has their used book sale, I purposely take the morning off work. Books are among my favorite gifts to receive. I love talking about books.
So, even though based on his profile, this guy seemed nice enough, I didn't think we'd click very well.
Guy: Hey. How are you? May I have the chance to get to know you better?
Me: Hello! Of course you can, but if I'm being completely honest, I think you're a little too conservative for me, in terms of someone to date.
Guy: Well I'm conservative, but I don't let politics get in the way of a relationship. So what are you wanting in 2-5 years?
Me: I think people need to agree on either religion or politics, in a perfect world both, for a relationship to be successful. In answer to your question, in 2-5 years I'd like to be done with school and living abroad again. What about you?
Guy: I wanna find my best friend. Hopefully settled down n be engaged then married. Then start a family or have one started already. Be a successful as a father/husband and be successful at my job.
Sigh. Why do people write wanna? Is it that much harder to write want to? And "n" instead of and? Sure, I say "wanna" in conversation, but writing? Come on now, just take the two seconds and write those few extra letters. I didn't respond to him. I tried to gently tell him I just didn't think he and I would be a good match. But, he tried again. And a few days later he messaged.
Guy: Good morning.
Me: Hello.
Guy: I thought you'd lost interest.
Me: It's polite to respond when someone messages. As I said before, I just think you're a little too conservative for me. I think evolution should absolutely be taught in school. I don't go to church. And I love dirty jokes. So, I'm sure you're a nice guy, but I don't think we'd be very compatible.
Guy: Well, give me a chance, please.
I was starting to feel like a jerk, because he did seem nice. But...creationism in schools-yes, evolution-no. That alone is almost a deal breaker for me.
I was thinking the other day about my future, and daydreaming about where I'll be 5 years down the road, in a perfect world. In my daydream, I was living abroad again. I was working a more professional job. I was traveling. I was seeing things. I was eating delicious food. And in my perfect world daydreams, I'm always skinnier. It wasn't until I'd been thinking about this for several minutes that I realized not once had I thought about a husband in my daydream. There were also no kids. My "perfect world" 5 year plan was only me. Maybe it's because I'm so very single right now, it's hard to imagine anyone else in the picture. But, there are a few guys I've been messaging on Okcupid. I haven't met any in person yet, but there is maybe possibly some potential.
All this talk of online dating reminds me that I have an episode of Catfish DVRed.
It's been 10 months since I broke up with Kingsley. I've written before about the sense of relief I felt when it was finally over. I say finally because it had been a long time coming. I was excited to not feel obligated to talk to him every morning. I was excited to feel like I could finally make some plans in my life without wondering and worrying if/how he'd fit into those plans. I was excited to date.
Well, in those 10+ months, it's been great to not start each day with a mundane conversation about what each of us had done in the 24 hours since we talked the day before "And then what did you eat for lunch? Are you going to watch a movie tonight?" I've been making plans. These plans are not happening as quickly as I hoped they would, and they've been more of a struggle than I thought possible. BUT, they are happening, and that's the important thing.
And dating...well...yeah, no. The closest thing to a date I've been on in the past 10 months was March's trip out west, aka "The Cold War" that most of you have read about in my other blog. And that doesn't really count, because it just doesn't. So I haven't dated at all since Kingsley and I broke up. I'm determined to change that. I've written frequently about online dating. I know so many people who have had great success with it. It works! I know it can! BUUUUUT, so far it's not working for me. Here are a few exchanges I've had on various online dating websites. Currently I'm using OkCupid, so most of these are from there.
In the interest of keeping things family friendly, I am not including the more vulgar messages I have received.
Guy: Let me know sometime when you're free, we should meet up.
Me: Ok, what did you have in mind?
Guy: How about a massage, sex, then a beer run?
And he was being serious. At least he was honest, I guess.
For a while I had a picture of me at the Taj Mahal on my profile. That led to this exchange.
Indian Guy: Do you have some kind of Indian fetish?
Me, knowing I probably shouldn't respond to that message, but I thought I'd give him a chance to redeem himself after his awful opening line: I like to cook Indian food.
Guy: I knew it. It probably causes a burning in your loins.
And delete.
This exchange was with a guy whose username is "iluvbigtits67" who had no pictures, and a completely blank profile.
Guy: how r u
Me: Wow, that's a really charming handle. Between that and your informative and complete profile, I'm guessing the ladies are lining up for you.
Guy: either u like it or ya don't.
I didn't respond. Both because he was clearly a dirtball and his use of "u" and "ya" instead of you. But iluvbigtits67 wasn't done. A few days later he messaged again.
Guy: hi
Me: Hi
Guy: what ya doing
a few minutes later, guy: what ya looking for
a few minutes later, guy: U there
a few minutes later, guy: do u have kik
a few minutes later, guy: hmmmm
Me: No, I don't have kik.
Guy: are you a good hirl?
Guy: girl
Me: I was willing to overlook your username and completely empty profile to see if you were worth getting to know. But, I'm not interested in taking this conversation in the direction you seem to want it to go. Strike 3. A bit of advice for you-try a little harder next time. Add a photo or two, act a little interested in getting to know a girl. If I was looking for someone to have casual sex with, it sure as shit wouldn't be with someone who is too lazy to fill out a profile or upload any pictures, and asks if I'm a "good girl" immediately after I say hi.
And still, I'd not heard the last from iluvbigtits67. A few days later, I got this. I don't know why I bother responding. But I do.
Guy: hi how r u
Me: Fine.
Guy: Want to meet
Me: No. You've told me nothing about yourself, nor have you shown me any pictures. You really need to work on your game.
Guy: Ok.
And that was the last I heard from iluvbigtits67. Farewell, my sweet prince.
Then, there are the married guys. Of course they never have any pictures of themselves. But, they are always "sexy, attractive and in great shape" and they are "smart, successful and love their lives" but they're "looking for something more with no drama." At first, I was curious why they'd do this.
Guy: Would you be interested in chatting with a 42 year old married white male?
Me: What are you looking for? Why are you on here if you're married?
Guy: I'm looking for a friend, that may turn into a friend with benefits. You into that?
Me: Why do you want that?
Guy: I'm not getting any at home. Do you like oral?
I didn't continue the conversation, but I've continued getting many messages from "fit, attractive" married men looking for a "drama free" extramarital affair. I immediately hit block.
Then, there are the guys who are just kind of sad. I always try to respond to everyone at least a time or two, just to be polite. OkCupid has a lot of interesting profile questions. Of course people can always surprise you, but generally these questions are an easy way to tell from the get go if someone is a possible good match. A few weeks ago I received a message from a guy in the Quad Cities. I looked at his profile. I knew almost immediately that he and I would probably not mesh well. To the question "Should evolution and creationism be taught side by side in school?" he answered "Evolution has no place in schools." He lists Chili's and Olive Garden as his favorite restaurants. To the question of whether or not Noah's Ark is a true story, he answered yes, it is. He lists his favorite book as "I don't read much. Does ESPN Magazine count?" He went on to say he had read one "amazing" book, The Narrow Road by Brother Andrew. I had never heard of that book, so I googled it. I assumed by the author's name it was a Christian book. The first thing I learned when I googled was that when you purchase this book, one of the versions comes with a Jars of Clay CD... He also said in his profile that he is offended by dirty jokes.
So, I am not making fun of this guy. We all have our beliefs. But, too many of his answers reminded me of Kingsley. I learned quickly after meeting Kingsley that he's very religious (but still had no problem cheating on me several times...yep). I'm not an atheist, but I'm not super religious. I don't listen to Christian music. I don't ever say anything is a blessing. I don't read Christian books. I won't go back to church here until St. Louis has a different priest. I rarely talk about religion with other people because I think it's personal and I'm offended by evangelism. But with Kingsley, I thought "that's okay." Over the course of our almost 3 year relationship, I learned that no, it's not okay. I need to date someone whose religious beliefs are closer to my own.
Plus, Chili's and Olive Garden? They are okay. I eat at Olive Garden once a year or so. I eat at Chili's once every couple of years. I don't hate those restaurants. There's something for everyone on the menus, and the food is good enough. BUT, for his favorite restaurant? If he could pick any restaurant in the world to eat at, Olive Garden would be it? And, his answer to the favorite book question is a big problem for me. I love to read. When the library has their used book sale, I purposely take the morning off work. Books are among my favorite gifts to receive. I love talking about books.
So, even though based on his profile, this guy seemed nice enough, I didn't think we'd click very well.
Guy: Hey. How are you? May I have the chance to get to know you better?
Me: Hello! Of course you can, but if I'm being completely honest, I think you're a little too conservative for me, in terms of someone to date.
Guy: Well I'm conservative, but I don't let politics get in the way of a relationship. So what are you wanting in 2-5 years?
Me: I think people need to agree on either religion or politics, in a perfect world both, for a relationship to be successful. In answer to your question, in 2-5 years I'd like to be done with school and living abroad again. What about you?
Guy: I wanna find my best friend. Hopefully settled down n be engaged then married. Then start a family or have one started already. Be a successful as a father/husband and be successful at my job.
Sigh. Why do people write wanna? Is it that much harder to write want to? And "n" instead of and? Sure, I say "wanna" in conversation, but writing? Come on now, just take the two seconds and write those few extra letters. I didn't respond to him. I tried to gently tell him I just didn't think he and I would be a good match. But, he tried again. And a few days later he messaged.
Guy: Good morning.
Me: Hello.
Guy: I thought you'd lost interest.
Me: It's polite to respond when someone messages. As I said before, I just think you're a little too conservative for me. I think evolution should absolutely be taught in school. I don't go to church. And I love dirty jokes. So, I'm sure you're a nice guy, but I don't think we'd be very compatible.
Guy: Well, give me a chance, please.
I was starting to feel like a jerk, because he did seem nice. But...creationism in schools-yes, evolution-no. That alone is almost a deal breaker for me.
I was thinking the other day about my future, and daydreaming about where I'll be 5 years down the road, in a perfect world. In my daydream, I was living abroad again. I was working a more professional job. I was traveling. I was seeing things. I was eating delicious food. And in my perfect world daydreams, I'm always skinnier. It wasn't until I'd been thinking about this for several minutes that I realized not once had I thought about a husband in my daydream. There were also no kids. My "perfect world" 5 year plan was only me. Maybe it's because I'm so very single right now, it's hard to imagine anyone else in the picture. But, there are a few guys I've been messaging on Okcupid. I haven't met any in person yet, but there is maybe possibly some potential.
All this talk of online dating reminds me that I have an episode of Catfish DVRed.
3 comments:
Wow, Laura. Wow. And those weren't the really offensive ones.
I have absolutely no idea how you could turn down a man who assumes his homeland's cuisine makes your loins burn with passion and desire. Honestly. It's like I don't even know you. HA!
Wow! I have no idea what those dating sites are like, but maybe you need to try a different one when you move???
Oh, and yeah, you should never teach evolution in schools, complete and utter nonsense. Since my small mind can't fathom how we could have evolved from one-cell creatures long ago, it certainly never could have happened.
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