Just let me vent

I am not saying that this is not a great experience. And I know there are much worse places that I could be, under much worse circumstances. BUT, I feel like I just need to say something.
I know sometimes I get negative. However, some days this is just really really difficult. Anyone who does not understand why I feel this way HAS NEVER BEEN IN THIS SITUATION. Please really imagine traveling over 4000 miles away, with no permanent place to stay, in a city you have never been, with only a shaky grasp of the language, ALONE. When you try to find a place to live, they tell you no because you don't have a bank account. When you try to get a bank account they tell you no because you don't have a place to live. You pay double for a cell phone because you don't have a place to live or a bank account. You have to fill out mounds of paperwork in a foreign language in order to get an "advance" on your sad excuse for a salary. The "advance" being getting paid after 5 weeks of work instead of 8. Not being able to get a deferment on your student loans because you can't provide proof of your pitiful income because you have yet to receive a pay stub, despite the job being more than half over and every time you call to ask about it you get told a different answer by a different person (which reminds me, mom or dad can you email me my checking acct balance?). Knowing that in addition to having to continue paying your student loans, the lack of pay stub is also costing you money in the form of the CAF, which is the French government's housing assistance, but of course you need to have proof of your income in the form of a pay stub to receive the CAF. Sitting at school for two hours, during which that time your teacher walks past you 15 times, showing up for class only to have said teacher say "Oh, I don't need you today. I forgot to tell you." Getting mocked for having an accent that isn't English. Having your French corrected and laughed at by 13 year olds who 10 minutes earlier asked you the question "Where you go I can Las Vegas?" but fail to see any correlation. Having your colleagues constantly on your case about your reading material, social circle, and lack of lunch because you would rather sleep an extra 10 minutes than pack a lunch. Most days I just laugh everything off with an "Oh France" and take it as part of the experience. But some days, it just gets to me, and whoever I am currently emailing or talking to gets the brunt of that frustration. Don't think I am unhappy here, despite having those times when I wish I could just close my eyes and when I open them I would find myself in the US, laying on a couch watching American TV while eating peanut butter and drinking skim milk. And at the same time, don't judge me or think I am ungrateful. Because again, until you have been in this situation, it might be impossible for you to really understand. Most days I don't want to leave here, and I know I will be sad when I do have to. And just so you know it is not just me, here are some posts from the assistants forum from people feeling the same thing. And these are just a few of the hundreds that are on there.

This is CREEPING by. Holed up in here reading books and watching the 24/7 Mystery Science Theater 3000 channel on justin.tv. I wish I could travel somewhere but I have zero money as 80% of my paycheck goes to rent. Ahh. C'est beau.

January kind of sucks anyway, but when you're so far away from family and friends and your "real life," yet are not on vacation (and can't really afford to do much either), it seems especially long (I too am counting the days until February vacances, even though I'm totally not ready to go yet). I feel really ungrateful, especially since everyone who's NOT here is like "you're in France! You're so lucky, you must be having such a great time!" and I do appreciate a lot about it, obviously, but in general I'm just feeling...blah.

It is worth remembering, I think--particularly in January and I as well have a serious case of grumpy-pants-syndrome--that it is normal for people at home to think that every moment in France is fun-filled and care-free; even if we know that it isn't.

I miss: houseplants, my library of books, having more than a suitcase's worth of clothing options, hanging out with known-em-since-high-school friends, knowing I can "invest" in purchases that will "last" for a long time vs. buying cheap shit/not buying anything at all because it won't fit in the suitcase, seeing my family...

I hate feeling guilty that when people make the comments "You are so lucky to be in France; aren't you having the time of your life?" I have to put on a fake smile and say yes.

I went home over the break as well and have spent the last two weeks recovering from it. It was so nice to be back, and so hard to say goodbye and return to this place...seriously, two weeks, and I can't even really put it down to jetlag because I was pretty much done with that after the first week, and even the weather here has been more or less decent. In that it hasn't been raining a lot. How many months left? Oh, yeah, and I'm the girl that says at the end of every week, "Only X more weeks till February vacances!"

i just don't care AT ALL any more... my lesson plans are basically "carry a yearbook to every class and if the teacher doesn't have something, let's look at pictures."